I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
