I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
