Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
