Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
