I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
