I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
