I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
