I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
