There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
