The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
