Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
