Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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