I want to have your abortion
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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