yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
