Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
