I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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