So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
