Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
