4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
