my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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