I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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