i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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