I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
