WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
