I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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