There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
