I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
