I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
