how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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