so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
