I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
