I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
