Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
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