At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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