I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
