You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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