hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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