Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
