There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
