We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
