well I can't set my house on fire every night
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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