My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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