you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
