i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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