There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
