The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
