So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
