When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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