i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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