You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
