She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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